Gloomy Tuesday

A few days ago, I don't remember exactly when or even where we were, J overheard a lady say something about her "girlfriend". I didn't hear the conversation, but after a few moments J asked me "Why do women call their friends who are girls 'girlfriends'? Guys don't call their guy friends 'boyfriends'." I didn't even really have to think about it. I replied with, "Girls use the term friend somewhat lightly most of the time. So when a girl says 'girlfriend' it normally means that she is a close friend."

Saturday night we went out for drinks with a few of J's friends (all guys and me, which it usually is). It was a normal evening, nothing special or different. J asked one of the guys if there were any girls that he was currently interested in because we had not heard him say much about girls in a while. There were none. I then sarcastically said, "Well that's ok 'cause girls are dumb". Then I realized that part of me meant it. I felt bad about what I had said and kept somewhat quiet after that.

All of that to say that lately I have been realizing that I really don't have any close girl friends. It's been years since I have been super close with any girls. I thought about it a bit more yesterday and realized that perhaps it has something to do with a few of my past female relationships. There were falling outs, and let downs, as there can be with any relationship, but I took things very personally. Really only two of my close "girlfriend" relationships did not end with conflict. In one of the relationships we drifted apart as we grew older and then moved away from one another, and the other resulted in a slight drifting apart and my friend passing away (tragic yes, but not as a result of a conflict between us).

I know that I distance myself from close female relationships, however I do long to have them. I also understand that part of my distancing is out of fear of being disliked, being gossiped about, being lied to and/or being hurt in the end. However, I do want to overcome that, I just feel like I don't know where to start.

Many of my friends, who are girls, are in very different places in their lives. I know that I can bond with women who are in different places in their lives, however, I sometimes feel a difficulty in connecting and sharing similar values. So, I have considered trying to meet women who share similar values and interests as me, but again, not too sure where to start.

I know that things will not be like they were when I was in school. People have so much going on in their lives now a days, what with work, family, hobbies, and other interests. I am not expecting to be spending time with a "girlfriend" every day, not even every week. I guess I just desire to have a girlfriend who I can call up every now and then and chat with, or go shopping with, or have coffee, or see a movie...you know, girl stuff.

Maybe it was just the weather yesterday that got me to thinking about all this. It WAS very dark and sad looking outside. Honestly though, I am happy with my life, and the way things are. Just feeling a little like I am missing out on a good close girlfriend or two, I suppose.

I don't want to complain. I don't like to complain. However, I feel pretty blah right now...so if my writing seems odd, blame it on my pounding headache.

Today is the day I get to see the 'Sex and the City' movie! I am excited beyond words. I watched the trailer a few times over this morning which got me more and more excited about the whole thing. I want to get all glammed up for the movie and cannot figure out what to wear. This is a real event to me. I know that may seem pathetic to some, the fact that I feel a strong desire to get dressed up for a movie, but honestly, I don't care much.

Now, again, I am not trying to complain, but I kinda wish I was going to the movie with some girl friends. I wish I had a bunch of girl friends that were as close to me as Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda are to each other. However, I have never really had good girl friends. I've been friends with girls, and don't get me wrong I did enjoy it...But I never felt I had a group I could depend on. I am sure that much of it was due to my lack of trust, and my inability to get excited about every little "girly" thing (ironically I often am the 'girly' one of the group)....Hmm...Come to think of it there have been times when I was close with one girl at a time. But since a little after high school there have not really been any close girlfriends like that in my life. It is something I desire though. Something that I want to work on. Girls need their girl friends, and I am sure that I would feel a more balanced person if I had those sorts of relationships.

So, here's my question to all of you out there. Either it is just something you can think about, or something you can leave a comment about. I, personally, am rather reserved and slightly shy when it comes to meeting new people, not because I don't like people, but because I don't think people will find me interesting most of the time. I am not working right now (in between jobs) and I am not going to school, so how, in a situation like mine, do you meet people and make new friends? (Oh, and I don't like the bar!) Then, once you have made friends with someone, how do you create a stronger and closer relationship with them??

Something for me to think about I suppose.