Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Gloomy Tuesday

A few days ago, I don't remember exactly when or even where we were, J overheard a lady say something about her "girlfriend". I didn't hear the conversation, but after a few moments J asked me "Why do women call their friends who are girls 'girlfriends'? Guys don't call their guy friends 'boyfriends'." I didn't even really have to think about it. I replied with, "Girls use the term friend somewhat lightly most of the time. So when a girl says 'girlfriend' it normally means that she is a close friend."

Saturday night we went out for drinks with a few of J's friends (all guys and me, which it usually is). It was a normal evening, nothing special or different. J asked one of the guys if there were any girls that he was currently interested in because we had not heard him say much about girls in a while. There were none. I then sarcastically said, "Well that's ok 'cause girls are dumb". Then I realized that part of me meant it. I felt bad about what I had said and kept somewhat quiet after that.

All of that to say that lately I have been realizing that I really don't have any close girl friends. It's been years since I have been super close with any girls. I thought about it a bit more yesterday and realized that perhaps it has something to do with a few of my past female relationships. There were falling outs, and let downs, as there can be with any relationship, but I took things very personally. Really only two of my close "girlfriend" relationships did not end with conflict. In one of the relationships we drifted apart as we grew older and then moved away from one another, and the other resulted in a slight drifting apart and my friend passing away (tragic yes, but not as a result of a conflict between us).

I know that I distance myself from close female relationships, however I do long to have them. I also understand that part of my distancing is out of fear of being disliked, being gossiped about, being lied to and/or being hurt in the end. However, I do want to overcome that, I just feel like I don't know where to start.

Many of my friends, who are girls, are in very different places in their lives. I know that I can bond with women who are in different places in their lives, however, I sometimes feel a difficulty in connecting and sharing similar values. So, I have considered trying to meet women who share similar values and interests as me, but again, not too sure where to start.

I know that things will not be like they were when I was in school. People have so much going on in their lives now a days, what with work, family, hobbies, and other interests. I am not expecting to be spending time with a "girlfriend" every day, not even every week. I guess I just desire to have a girlfriend who I can call up every now and then and chat with, or go shopping with, or have coffee, or see a movie...you know, girl stuff.

Maybe it was just the weather yesterday that got me to thinking about all this. It WAS very dark and sad looking outside. Honestly though, I am happy with my life, and the way things are. Just feeling a little like I am missing out on a good close girlfriend or two, I suppose.

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